What breaks my heart

Down a tunnel, I have learned much and I have much to learn.
I have let logic and reason dictate the course of life.
It holds true that mistakes of reason governs the mind.
It is a veil that clouds the perception of expressive views.
It’s a suppression that clouds our conscious judgment.

It possesses an insatiable hunger for knowledge that fuels the very basis of reasoning and logic.
Someone once told me that the virtue of knowledge exceeds innocence out of ignorance.
But sometimes, I find bliss through ignorance far superior.
It only takes simple logic to stagger the very foundations of belief and faith but sheer ignorance to believe the impossible.

I regret that emotion plays second fiddle to predominant reasoning.
I envy those that are led by emotional ecstasy and woe.
They have nothing to lose but everything to gain.
I have tasted the rule of emotion.
It’s a different dimension of vivid colours and dreams, a fountain of highs and lows, a valley of love and hate.
Like a puppet, mortals are cast under a spell of irrelevant choices, decisions and actions.

In this delusional reality, I could kiss the moon and greet the sun,
I could lay slumber on cloudy haze and feast by a burning brook.
I would listen to the silence of the stars and sing to the tune of Venus.
I’ll find a rattling bush and play the wails of passing herds.
Alas, reality robs you of your wildest fantasies and leaves you bitter and frail.
It also reminded me that many I have hurt, and like dreams, my apology of words can only go so far.

I lay exiled from the sovereignty of emotions.
I betrayed reason and logic and paid dearly.
I’m left to mend shards of bleeding petals in whirled seclusion
I now bury these crystal beads in the fabric of death for I pay the price of treason.

What breaks my heart lies in ignorance whose life has been depravedly seized by knowledge.
What breaks my heart lies in the allegiance that I plead to logic and reasoning.
What breaks my heart is that I long for the rule of emotion but I know better.



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Its been almost a year since i last penned down my thoughts.
Boy does it feel good to write!!!!
I realize that most of my crappy post are too optimistic and happy.
That is really unfair for the emo in me.
Hence, it is only fair if I write a crappy post that is pessimistic and sad.

Ignorance is NOT bliss!!

Stupidity is only a state of mind...


My mind is set on it's state...

Alice in Wonderland

This time the title is Alice in Wonderland.
Alice in Wonderland?
!@#!@$@#$%#^$%$&^&#$%#$
I never read the book and watched the movie ONCE when my brain was in its premature developing stage.
I think it was sometime last week.
I can't remember.


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Alice in Wonderland

I arose in a field of serenity as she grasped my hand and pranced on dew filled grass.
This mysterious stranger who appended joy on a plaintive soul.
I gazed into her eyes and was led astray in the infinity of splendor.
Who was this enchantress who stole the essence of beauty and hid it in her smile.

She skipped a stones throw and signaled to follow.
With a wave of her hand, she tore the morning light from the sky to reveal the gleam of moonlight on the mirrored lake.
The scintillating stars marched into order as she plucked them from the sky and nested them in my pocket.

She strolled down the lane and rested by the mangrove tree.
The sound of the shores sang her praise with each crashing wave.
Truly, she clasped my fluttering heart that kissed the palms of her hands.
I craved to apprehend her and pleaded for her name.
She blew a soft whisper into the breeze and vanished.

The wind carried her voice through the rustled trees as the leaves and branches hushed;

"Alice"

I fell to my knees as sorrow wrapped me in it's merciless wrath.

Pressure!!

This post is way overdue.
Post is based on a true story.
Names shall not be revealed.

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Pressure

I jerked up from bed.
Relieved it was just a dream, I slouched and rested my arms on my knees.
For the third time this week, I find myself drenched in cold sweat.

It all dates back to that dreadful day.
They call that place Top Hill.
I call it the Devil's Lair.

Till this day, I still wonder how I let Daryl and Heng Zoe manipulate me against my will to participate in their little game of 'Hell on Earth'.
They promised me a day of bonding with mother nature.
They were only half right. (You'll get this later)
I have yet to learn that promises turn into stories, stories into legends and legends into myths.

I reluctantly agreed to go on their hiking expedition at Top Hill.
We arranged to meet at a designated coffee shop for a little breakfast before our hike.
Thinking back, I recall Daryl and Zoe stuffing me silly with sticky glutinous rice and some milky chocolate drink.
I thought it must have been customary to fuel up before the hike.

After some meaningless chit chat, we adjourned to Top Hill for our dose of Mother Nature.
Daryl who played leader in our little escapade guided us through thick greens and wet soil.
I soon discovered that I wasn't a nature boy.
It amazes me how some people have grown to love getting their ankles dipped in muddy terrain, getting pierced in the arm by wild thorns or having bugs crawling on their bare skin.

Twenty minutes into the hike and I started to feel a little queezy on the inside.
Twenty five minutes later and Daryl announces that we were officially lost.
Thirty five minutes into the hike and my face was pale and my knees were turning into jello.

I have been through all sorts of situations in my life but none more physically and emotionally trying as this.
Reminisce of that incident still sends shivers down my spine.
The feeling is somewhat similar to being held against your will in a God forsaken wilderness while men clad in skinny jeans incessantly blares malay rock ballads into your ears.

I was feeling all of that in my rear end.
While Daryl and Zoe were having the time of their life trekking in front of me, I paced slowly behind, careful to not aggravate any sudden bowel movements.
I knew it was only a matter of time before I succumbed to pressure.

I stealthily alienated myself from the group to a secluded part of the forest.
I relieved myself of clothing and let nature have its way with me.
I had hoped that Daryl and Zoe would not notice my absence but I was dead wrong.
They started shouting my name in a PUBLICLY ACCESSIBLE place.
I sighed at my misfortune.
That was about all I could do.


Before they stumbled on my hideaway spot, I revealed my location to warn them of the demonic sights they would encounter should they succeed in locating me.
They were not hindered by such warnings and offered assistance in the form of dry leaves and Zoe's spare T'shirt.

I screamed with panic for them to keep their distance.
I somehow knew they would come armed with digital cameras should they find me.

"Get AWAY from me!! I am fine and can find my own stuff to clean myself!! JUST KEEP AWAY!!!"

By this time, I was almost done with the exorcism ritual and just had to keep them at bay.
They were somehow unconvinced that I was fully capable of cleaning up after my own acts and insisted they bring some leaves and a tshirt.

"GET AWAY GUYS!!! I MEAN IT!! I CAN CLEAN MYSELF!! LEAVE ME ALONNEEEE!!!"

I don't know why, but they found it very amusing to have a friend begging for his innocence to be left protected.
At least it bought me time to clean up and get dressed.

I walked out to the trail a new man.
It felt like all the hurt, pain and shame had been stripped away.
I walked into Daryl, Zoe and their inquisitive eyes.
They were eager to know how I managed to clean myself after such an incident.

Zoe curiously scanned me from head to toe and asked me a question that would forever tarnish my image.

"Sak Ting, Weren't you wearing socks before this?"

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Its a crappy post.
I know.
But I'm fresh out of ideas, heard of this story recently and I suck.
Hopefully I don't suck as much for the next post.

The accident

With much joy, i am introducing two new writers to our little group.
They are,

James Low and Crystal Cha

Welcome to the losers circle.

There is a common blog moderated by Jean, so do refer to that blog for err, other stuff.

Click here for the common blog

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I understand this write in can come across as cheesy, corny and predictable,
but this is my interpretation of a woman's point of view.
I live with 2 of them, so I hope I get it right.

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The Accident

My blood shot eyes stared across the room.
He sat in the corner.
Quiet and reserved, he gazed out the window like little puppies do when expecting their masters arrival.

I called out his name softly.
He didn't budge.
I called him three more times but he was too obsessed with sticking his face to the window.
I was beginning to think that there were little fairies sprinkling magic dust on the lawn to turn grass into exotic dancers.

"ROBERT!!" I yelled.

He nonchalantly turned his gaze from the window to me.
That little creep!! He leaves me to be a walking elephant for the coming nine months and he acts like I'm the deranged lunatic.
I threw the pregnancy sticks at him and wished it hit him in his face rather than to fall three feet from him.

"What are we going to do now?" The words poured out in accordance with my tears.

"I told you, we have options that we can consider but..

"I am NOT aborting this baby!!"

"Think this through. We still have our whole lives ahead of us. Don't blow it all away coz of this little accident."

"This little 'accident' is my baby. I need to know where you stand on this. Are you in this with me or not?"

The silence that followed was deafening.
We exchanged stares for what seemed like eternity.
The last sound i remembered was an intrusion of noise from the bell chimes of the paper boy.
He bowed his head and solemnly fixed his eyes on his folded arms.
I knew what that meant.

With courage and poise, I walked out that door.
He didn't even try to stop me.
I made sure I had my back against him as i walked out.
I didn't want him to see the tears that streamed down my cheeks.

Three months flew by and I managed well if not better without a whiny pathetic male in my life.
I had the support of my parents and friends and I was going to raise this baby right.

If it is going to be a girl, I would teach her how the male species are from the devil and their only reason for existence was for hard manual labor and reproductive purposes.
If it is going to be a boy, I could dump him off a river to spare other girls the misery that I am forced to face.
Or i could teach him that girls are meant to be treated with respect and dignity and not objects for his sexual desire.

I had a hard time coping with the biological changes.
Somehow the thought of a living human inside of me conjured an image of a bloated cow.
It did help that I had a job and friday nights out with my friends.
Those were the times i could take my head off things and just let loose for a while.

There was this friday where my friends suggested that we hang out in a bar down avenue street.
The place was classy.
They had performances lined up for the whole night.
Mainly jazz bands, but there was a magic show that really stood out among the rest.

As usual, our little group got engrossed in some insignificant chatter on some Hollywood celebrity.
I loved these moments cause i could just space and let their inconsequential murmurs fade into background noise.

I was abruptly shaken from my daze when i heard 'Unchained Melody' being played.
After all it is my favorite song.
Instinctively I looked up stage and saw Robert on the piano.
He looked different.
He was clad in a white suit and black leather shoes.
His long brown hair trimmed and neatly combed in a sleek fashion.
I always told him that this is how a man should look like.

Although he played the song beautifully, his singing left much to be desired.
He ended the piece and took the stage with a microphone in hand.
He started off with one word.

"Julie."

I shot a glance at my friends.
They saw it coming and was his comrades in this little stunt he was going to pull.

"I know it's been a long time Julie, but i just want you to know that I have not gone a day without thinking of you."

Seriously, that is like the most cliched line on earth.

"I know you think that I'm crazy"

I swear, he is a mind reader.

"But I am a transformed man now. I realize how foolish I was to let you go. I have a stable job, a nice car and I bought a new house for us. For you, for me and for the baby."

He really did change.

"I made all those changes for you. I am owning up for my actions and I am going to take responsibility.
I vow to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
To treasure every second I have with you.
To be at your side when you need me.
And to be the father of our child."

He was never really good with words and he still isn't.
But I was touched by his sincerity.

"I understand our little accident may have been rough for us, but that should not be deny you to this beautiful rite."

He got down on one knee and pulled out a little square box.

"Julie, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. To hold and nurture you till the day my fragile life gives way."

I could see what was coming.

"Will you marry me?"

The bar broke into rounds of applause.
I sat stunned in my seat.
I was overwhelmed by this sudden surge of mixed emotions that I really didn't know what to do.

The constant cheers of urging and support from the crowd was massive.
I picked up my courage and slowly made my way to the stage.
My eyes were tear filled and ready to explode.
I didn't know what to feel at that moment.

I walked up stage and our eyes met for the first time in months.
Our faces would have been closer but my bulging belly kept us at a distance.
The crowd was crazy and chanting "Yes" repetitively.

I could not think straight with all the noise and surging emotions.
I let my trembling lips part ways for a bit as tears began to stroll down my face.
I stuttered as I said,

"Y..." I mumbled.

The crowd cheered on.

I summoned every ounce of sanity still left inside me to finish the job.
I raised my hand up high and swung as hard as I could to slap him right in the face.

"YOU JERK!!" I yelled.

The same deafening silence when I first announced my pregnancy to Robert filled the bar.

"You think you can just walk into my life and act like everything's okay??!!"

I grabbed my handbag and stormed out the bar.
That felt good.
It felt really really good.
I should have done it a long time ago.

Lately, i find the little thrills in life slowly emerging from my mundane everyday routines.

For instance, did you know driving can be a very pleasurable experience?
Just as long as its not my old banged up car.

I even find walking on the road to be a pleasurable experience.
It may come across as absurd atrocity to some but I somehow find it calming.
To have my hollow head allowed to wander in an indefinite limit of dreams and imaginations is truly a satisfying experience.
Either that or its the intoxicating fumes that is getting to me.

But one of the little things that truly lights up my day is coming across a 'killer' line.
Its those kinda lines that really sticks.
There is really something empowering about these 'killer' lines that gives me a kick in life.

I came across one today.

"Never argue with an idiot, coz they will put you down to their level, and beat you with their experience!"

Classic.

In essence, never argue with me.
I may be beaten by your experience :P

I am hoping to hear the entry of more writers joining our humble group of writers.
Well, if all things go well I think each of the existing writers should post their links up?

Anyways, unlike Jean and Lydia who comes up with mega hard titles like "Smile like you mean it" lar, or "Holy Communion" lar I am simply all about simplicity.
This is also an effort to NOT scare away potential writers to join our little thing going on.

This months title is very general. I am sure most people will be pleased unless they are complex corrupted lawyers like Lydia who still uses xanga.
This months title is......

"The Accident"

I also understand that looking at a blog with just words can be rather inhumanely torturing.
But look at it this way, if a picture is worth a thousand words, then read a few entries and you will probably have seen a few pictures already.